“A new baby is like the beginning of all things; wonder, hope and the dream of possibilities.”

– Eda J. LeShan

It was three affirmations that got me through my pregnancy.

The first was from Nicki, my doula:

I come from a long line of strong women. We are thankful for you to join us, Coco.

The second two are tattooed on my wrist and spine:

We are alive only to the degree to which we are willing to be annihilated.

If love is a labor, I’ll slave to the end.

As I held my kid for the first time I thought, so this is what’s possible when we leverage our desires against our fears?

Then I remembered the last time I spoke to him.

There I was, nine months earlier, trembling as I called him with the news.

And I remembered what he kept repeating.

“We are not going to be parents.”

“Being a single mother will totally derail your life, Ashley.”

We didn’t know each other well enough for him to understand why that particular decision was not as cut and dry for me, as it was for him.

I don’t fault him for that.

And although the pills were sitting in an unopened FedEx envelope on my kitchen counter, I made that phone call knowing full well I was having this baby with or without him.

That envelope, albeit a solution to his problem, was a product of our mutual fears.

Fear of the unknown.
Fear of bidding goodbye to life as we knew it.
Fear of how it would look to the outside world.

For me, however, this fear was not new. And a chance at motherhood was not something I was willing to forfeit again.

Whether I have my own stubborn convictions, divine intervention or an article sent to me by a stranger to credit for my daughter’s arrival, I still don’t know for sure.

But of this I am certain:

We are alive only to the degree to which we are willing to be annihilated.

There will be years that ask questions and years that answer.

Truth often comes as a whisper, not a shout.

And so, I accidentally got pregnant with my one and a half night stand.

Maybe one day he will come around.

Maybe he never will.

But single motherhood has been the farthest thing from a total derailment.

It has been a precious gift, a rebirth and perhaps the greatest opportunity of my lifetime.

I come from a long line of strong women.

We are so thankful for you to join us, Coco.